Keeping it Sane

I've written this article quite some time ago. But perhaps it is good to share for those who are (or who are going to get)involved in the cruel business/office world out there. Most people start small, probably picking up a job role that isn't that satisfying or that up to your expectations in the beginning. And you probably end up wondering if your dreams are being destroyed or ruined. But I guess it is part of the whole process. No doubt some people may start big and shine in an early stage, however, I guess it is quite common to start working as someone's bitch or servant as a starter.

So here goes my article, it is written from my own perspective and it was what I felt at that period and at that time:

Stress causes me to over react. But what really causes my stress and how should I react to it to make situations less stressful?

It's my boss. Everything about him disgusts me (well maybe not everything, but most of the time, he reminds me of evil and negativity). He is a selfish person, a blamer, a liar and he takes pleasure bullying the weak. The negative remarks, the finger pointing, mocking and habit of pressing other people's buttons might be the cause of the mixture of negative feelings in him. And perhaps these cruel actions build up and grow in him as guilt and stress vibes which results to heavier and more aggressive release of negative expressions and actions from him. Thus this chain reaction of negativity goes round and round endlessly.

He gives me alot of pain in the little evil acts that he does, even when some of them might not involve me. Perhaps it is because of the fact that he is my boss which makes me somewhat influenced by his thoughts and actions. Perhaps it is due to the fact that he's my boss that I indirectly feel that I am being controlled, manipulated, mistreated and bullied by a BAD person. And as a result, I also indirectly feel financially pressured.

With his presence around, it is hard to avoid the stressful and negative vibes that he releases whether through mental or verbal torture - whether directly or indirectly, whether in sarcasm or in a straight forward manner. I loathe people who takes pride and pleasure bullying the weak and sometimes I secretly hope that he perishes in hell anytime soon but, who am I to judge? Perhaps such thoughts make me no better than him.

When he is around, I get very pressured. Maybe it is due to jealousy that he prefers other staffs. Or maybe I'm not satisfied with my pay and the treatment that I receive from him. And after so much of stress and efforts put in my works, he does not seem to treat me any better or show any appreciation in terms of payment or promotion. Maybe it is due to these causes that I start to feel that I do not belong, and that I deserve a better place. And during these moments, I constantly feel the vibes of hopes rising then being destroyed with every expectation transforming into disappointment. And these mixtures of rise and fall build up even more pressure in me, which urges me to strive harder to perform better. And with all these complications happening in thoughts and indecisive planning that often occurs, I end up becoming impulsive at times and may over react easily by becoming a public drama queen. So perhaps, perhaps I should not put too much pressure on myself, perhaps I should not push myself so heavily. But the thing is I never like to fall back in my environment, whether in my studies or work. I always desire to be successful and ahead of others. Thus as a habit, I like to push myself to reach out further and try to improve my performance to get noticed, to earn credit, to shine and to stand out from the rest. But the process is very stressful and it is not easy to achieve such goals. One must go through lots of hardship to get there, even if it might mean regular emotional torture. So how can I stop myself from reaching out for my dreams and desires? How do I control myself from my hunger for power and recognition? I refuse to give up. So what can I do to prevent myself from these mental and emotional torture and yet fulfill my dreams?

Maybe I should rely on destiny. Maybe I should simply be satisfied with my current state and be comfortable taking things slow. Maybe I should stop rushing myself and instead allow myself to eat up more time taking baby steps instead of rushing myself to fly and soar. When my time comes, it will come. And even if it does not, then, perhaps I should start moving my focus to other aspects of my life.

Perhaps for now, I should let myself ride the tides and just let loose - let destiny decide where the tide heads. Perhaps I should let God decide what's best for me.

Career is just one side of life and business can be very inhumane. Maybe I should start seeking peace from my heart, mind and soul by allowing myself to indulge in relaxation, spending more time with my family, allowing myself to enjoy entertainment and start to pursue a healthy lifestyle (instead of letting my career eat my soul up). I hope that this article is a reminder for myself (or even others) that it is UNWORTHY to let our careers destroy my love towards what I truly enjoy and treasure in life - including the important people that I truly care about. Take a balance. Control your life by protecting your soul, and don't let society control you.

Love,
zyan.

The Next Big Step

How do you know when you are ready? How do you know if it is the right time? How do you know if he or she is the right person? How do you know if are doing the right thing?

No one knows. All we have to do is to decide whether or not to be risk takers. To step out of our comfort zone and face whatever comes because not everything is under our control.

Right now I am taking the next step but deep down I am freaking out. Afraid that things will go ugly and that there is no turning back.

I hate uncertainties. Or more like I do not have the courage to overcome whatever the obstacles are ahead.

They say people change...

...but you never will.

Excuses given one after another. Truth surfaces after lies. Feelings of anger and hurt are felt right after short pangs of happiness. The button is left on repeat mode.

I want to get out of this vicious cycle. If only I am stronger.

Work sucks, I know - Blink 182

Workload has always been crazy but recently the burden seems heavier. It is bad when you already have so much to do and cut short your lunch breaks. It is worst when you have your colleague complain to your manager that she has alot of work to do too and that her work gets passed on to you. What makes me furious is that she gets off work on time at 5pm sharp while I stress over work til 7pm.

You may think 7pm is early as compared to working hours in other places. Tis is true but I have other commitments. Like her, I need to study for exams too. Like her, I've got a social life too. Like her, I would like to get out early and enjoy the sun while it lasts.

What makes thing even worst is that she is giving me the cold shoulder. Whatever, it doesnt affect me. She was never nice to me in the first place anyway. On my first day at work she asked me if I wanted to join her for lunch with her friends. I said I dont mind (not like I know anyone). She asked me if I was sure I wanted to join her friends. Turns out, those friends of hers were my uni mates. Funny thing is that she doesn't eat lunch with them anymore. Period. Even if she is alone she rather eat at her desk.

Then I go home to another set of problems. When you think you've had enough the rollercoaster we are riding on gets even wilder. Anyway, we'll leave that for another story to tell.

As of now, I just want to hit on the brakes and take things slowly. If only that is possible.

Signing off,

MY